Welcome to your newborn’s first holiday season—also known as the time of year when you try to be merry, magical, and memory-making… while your newborn tries to survive life one nap at a time and your coffee is never actually hot.

You probably pictured this season looking like a Christmas movie: peaceful snow, cozy lights, matching pajamas, a smiling baby.

Instead, what you get is more like a Christmas blooper reel that somehow keeps playing on loop.

Let’s begin our show…

Act I: Introducing Baby to Family (“Please Don’t Touch Their Face!”)

You walk into the holiday gathering holding your newborn like Simba at Pride Rock. Before you even kick off your shoes, Aunt Linda is hovering, Cousin Becky is spritzing perfume way too close to the baby, and Grandma has already decided she will be the sole holder for the next three hours.

You morph into a baby-bodyguard:

• “Did you wash your hands?”

• “No, like with actual soap?”

• “Don’t kiss him, Sharon.”

Your baby, meanwhile, sleeps through 90% of it and wakes up only to cry right before the family photo. Iconic timing. Proud of them, really.

Act II: Christmas Light “Adventure” (Featuring: A Car Nap So Long You Question Reality)

You pack up the diaper bag like you’re prepping for a six-week expedition, buckle your newborn in, and head to see Christmas lights.

Your baby: falls asleep before you leave the driveway.
Your partner: critiques every light display like he’s an official judge.
You: wondering how the same string of lights costs $12 in store but comes pre-tangled forever when you use it.

Still, it’s oddly peaceful. You consider living in the car just for the silence.

Act III: Baby’s First Ornament (“Just Smile Once, Please?”)

You decide to hang a “Baby’s First Christmas” ornament.

The baby? Screams.
Your partner? Can’t find the ornament hook.
You? Sweating like you ran a marathon.
The dog? Eating wrapping paper in the background.

But that ornament? It’s going on the tree even if you have to hot glue it to a branch.

Act IV: Holiday Photo Session (You Will Cry, but It’s Fine)

You will spend hours dressing the baby in the cutest outfit known to mankind.

The baby:

• Spits up

• Poops

• Makes the same confused face in every picture

• Refuses to look in the general direction of the camera

You’ll take 143 pictures.
One will be usable.
You’ll cherish it forever.
You’ll lie and say it was “candid.”

Act V: Holiday Movie Night (AKA: Background Noise While You Feed the Baby… Again)

You turn on a heartwarming Christmas movie.
You imagine cuddles, calmness, relaxation.

Your baby? Immediately needs:

• Milk

• A diaper

• To be held

• To be rocked

• To be burped

• To be held a different way

• Another diaper

You watch approximately three minutes of the movie. None of them in order.

But hey—the tree lights look great reflecting off your newborn’s giant baby head, so that’s a win.

Act VI: Holiday Traditions (“We’re Starting This… I Think?”)

You try to start your first official holiday tradition.
It lasts 7 minutes before someone cries (usually you).
But you count it, because motherhood is all about honoring the attempt.

Finale: The Real Holiday Magic

Look—your newborn doesn’t know it’s the holidays.
They don’t know about gingerbread or Santa or the fact that you used to sleep eight hours straight.

But something about the season feels different anyway.

It’s chaotic. It’s messy. It’s loud.
But it’s also the sweetest, silliest, most heart-bursting holiday you’ve ever had.

And one day, when your baby is older, you’ll tell them,
“Your first holiday season? It was absolute beautiful chaos—and it was perfect.”