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Here's Lookin' at You, Forty


This week, I will turn forty! I'm not sure how it's possible to feel like I'm still approaching thirty, and be approaching forty in reality. My milestone birthday is this Wednesday, and it's one that I have both dreaded and looked forward to. For years, I have had big goals for this milestone. I planned to be in my dream home, be in the best shape of my life, and have my business bigger and better than ever. I was totally on track, even through the hardships that Covid brought about, and then boom... new baby, and boom... big life/housing transition in the worst real estate market that has ever existed. Life sort of started spiraling- my assistant quit and my business stalled, we needed to buy a new home under terrible stress and buying conditions (and completely renovate said new home while living with inlaws), and we had to readjust to a temporary way of life with no clear end in sight.

It has felt as though I have been living someone else's life for months. I have woken up day after day, asking what in the world I did to deserve this horrible mess? I've held onto being grateful for family, and true friends through this hard time. When the ish hits the fan in life, I get quiet. I want to disappear. I don't want to be coddled, spoken sweetly to, or answer anyone's questions- and you would not believe how nosy some people can be. I've tried my best to remain positive and to give others a glimpse into our home renovation. Everyone asks and wonders what's happening with our house, and what I want more than anything is to NOT talk about our house. I just want to get on with life.

Having lived forty years already, I've accomplished a lot of cool things. I've traveled a little bit, and have big dreams for travel adventures over the next thirty years. Sometimes I am tempted to scrap life in the US and move abroad, but I don't think that aligns with God's plan for our family's life. I have been blessed with a beautiful family, and I know that is the greatest gift I could have ever hoped for. Musically, I've done a lot. I have sung in amazing venues, with wonderful groups and conductors, studied with people I admire greatly, and still tune up the old pipes every now and then when asked to. I know that one day my voice will fade, so I am trying to hold onto it for another twenty years or so before it inevitably changes.

There are a lot of things that haven't gone the way I thought they would. I think I have undervalued myself for most of my adult life, and have let so many people take advantage of my people-pleasing nature that it has left me lagging behind in the race. Friends and trusted leaders have betrayed me and my family has suffered because of my mistakes. I'm trying not to head into my forties feeling guilty. What's done is just that- done. The chapter of my thirties is closing, and I am happy to leave much of the junk that came with that chapter behind. I'll take the good things, though... my sweet babies, family, and my friends, and will look forward to a celebratory trip to Disney World when things settle down a bit.

Forty, here I come, ready or not.

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