When Pink Turns Blue, What do You Do - Part 2

Thank you for continuing our family's journey with me. This part really breaks my heart when I look back at it. I know my child was only seeking the love and acceptance I had always given...until I took the wrong advice.

I reached out to my church for help. My pastors prayed with my husband and me and then suggested seeing our church’s certified counselor. My husband and I decided to take our child to see this therapist.

The therapist met with the three of us as a family. The therapist agreed with me in my “righteous” judgment and offered that this “acting out” was a result of the things we allow them to be exposed to on the internet and television. Our child is an old soul and always has been. The therapist said we had given them too many privileges and too much trust for them to be free on the internet and watching whatever they wanted.

So, in obedience to the therapist, we took all electronics away from our child for one week. Then slowly, we reintroduced it to them in a controlled manner, in our presence only.

Our child submitted to everything we required of them. I began to be obsessed with everything they watched and did. I became a very controlling person and refused to believe that what they had shared with me was the truth of their life.

As I continued to police their life, we began arguing about everything. I had to have the last word and it was usually not a very kind word. They began to fear conversations with me and began avoiding me. They turned to their father, who had responded to their announcement with love and peace. I chalked it up to them having similar personalities and that nothing was wrong with me. I was right…always right, and no one could tell me different.

It took a year for me to see that I was losing my relationship with my child because I wanted to be right rather than love. Not only was I losing my child, but I was pushing them away from the loving Father God that loved them unconditionally by putting religious conditions on them.

My child, prior to coming out, was a student leader in the children's church. Once it was out that they were transgender, without knowledge by us, they were told by the children's church leader they could no longer lead because they were in confusion and the church didn't want them leading others into that path with them. Another push away from God in my kid's eyes. All they heard, was they weren't good enough.

I did contact the leader and asked why we were not informed of this decision first, prior to the conversation as our child is only 13. The leader apologized for not talking with us first and explained that anyone can serve, but only the people that fulfill the desired behaviors of a leader may lead. We forgave, but my child was stung and hurt. Sadly, I don't believe they have forgiven the leader even to this day. I pray one day, he will forgive and heal.

Self-mutilation scars - Eileen Blass - USA Today

My child began to self-harm as a way to let the emotion out that they had built up inside. With no one to talk to that would let them speak freely, they had tucked away so much emotion and hatred of self that they felt the only way to let the hurt out was to cut themselves.

We finally switched therapists to one that they felt they could talk to. We all three met with the therapist as well as them meeting alone. This was so we could try to understand our child better and they could understand our plight as well.

We also took them to a psychiatrist and they were diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and psychosis. Our child had been seeing things and people that weren't there, and we didn't know. Now that we did, it was time to try medicines that could help.

It was not long after, my child asked us to put them on suicide watch at home because they were afraid of the thoughts, things seen and unseen, and depression that filled their mind. That was a wake-up call. We removed all sharp objects and medication from their room that could cause injury.

After a couple days of hypervigilance, we decided it was time to call the therapist. The therapist suggested in-service care and we voluntarily committed to a behavioral health center.

That, my friends, is a whole other story! I will share more about that experience in part three next month. It's a doozy!

Be blessed and remember, you are not alone. I am praying for you and your family.

Blessings,