Ramblings Of A Mama On Her Knees





Heaven find me on my knees.
Is there mercy still reserved for me...
In my darkest hour when the wind blows on 
When senses lower and time is none
Is there mercy still reserved for me
When every failure gleams
Every clock hour chimes
Moments so frail, withered brittle
Time stills for me and then
Swept away like wind carrying
Hope for renewed passion
Mercy reserved for me, I need.

Sitting here in "my chair" in the quiet of the evening. Motherhood is joyous heartache after joyous heartache. Love so amazing, so divine but so interrupted by the passing of time.
 
Thinking over this day and recapping, savoring, drinking in the precious moments of my life from this day. Ordinary day, but extraordinarily memorable. Engaging in "small talk" that is polite, that is expected, that is pleasant. Wanting to know more, to go beyond the surface and discover why, how... to meaningfully know. Would it be wrong to want one full hour of uninterrupted, bottom of the heart conversation with every single person I meet? To really understand and see through the eyes of another is a beautiful opportunity. Putting myself in the shoes of my kids and seeing the world through their 5 and 6 year old sets of eyes helps me to realize it's a big world with big obstacles. They are so brave and one day will have conquerings of their own, in their own way, in their own time and you can find me somewhere nearby whispering, "I knew you could do it!"

 How will you find me these days? If I'm smiling, I have a good reason to be. If I'm quiet, God is treating my soul. If you find me weak, you've found me honest. If you find me standing up, standing up, standing up for my cause, you've found some remaining passion. If you find me laughing, laugh with me. If you find me somber, pray with me for what hangs a heavy bridle on my back.

This is a little story from almost 7 years ago...

(The hospital where my sons were born is 30 minutes from my house.)

 The people we saw come and go from the NICU were plenty. One in particular was staying in a room across the hall from me, a mother of 5. Now, residing in the hospital because her 6th newborn baby had difficulty breathing. She was different. She showed her emotion and wasn't concerned with how it looked to others. I related to her. I felt with her and for her. We were able to talk a few times, and comfort one another in small ways. What I discovered was that up until a year ago, she lived on my street, in a house I pass every single day of my life... 30 minutes away from the hospital we were both staying, having delivered babies close to the same time. How did we meet! I don't have the answers. But I have a face in my mind of mother of 6 who lived in that house, loved that house and who knew me for a minute, in a hospital elevator, on the way to a NICU to see our new and struggling babies.

I wish I had the foresight to write down every single time a story like that happens to me in my life. When I was young, I would hear adults tell me stories about interesting scenarios that would occur, or ways God stood out to them. I found it astounding at how apparent and obvious God made Himself known in these situations. I remember wondering if anything like that would ever happen to me and if so, would I realize it was happening in the moment?

Well, not only do things like this happen to me OFTEN, where God shows Himself to me very apparently and gives me goose bumps and brings pause, but He now does so in my son's life as well. My oldest son has either been gifted or by the grand debate of nature vs. nurture, has developed the same type of sensibility that I have to keenly see God's hand in the moment, brightly, boldly and sometimes shockingly. 

The difference now? I learned to write it down. My book is gaining content as the days go by... as we live, love and look.


I know this post is a little bit of everything tossed together, but sometimes that's just how our minds are! Remembering that story about the neonatal intensive care unit, caused me to remember my very last Dr. visit before delivering my first son via emergency c-section just a couple of days later (unbeknownst to me!). On my way out of the hospital that day, I stopped in the hospital gift shop. WHY DID I DO THIS? Again, those little moments that God shows up in my life that seem insignificant but are "oh so real" to me. I walked to a shelf, picked up a little cross necklace and snapped a picture of the card it was attached to. On the back of the cross itself, the words, "protect me". I bought the necklace and put it on. I started to tear up and said out loud, "God, please protect me and this baby!" 
I walked to the parking garage with my new necklace around my neck, and a prayer of hope in my heart. A couple of days later, a healthy, albeit small little baby was born.






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